So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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