I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
