Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
