You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
