"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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