Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
ugly people sure do ruin things
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize