One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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