im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
