Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
