my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
