I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
