we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
