I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
