omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
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