It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
