I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
