EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
