I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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