walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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