Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
