Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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