You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize