i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
