I met the friendliest cop last night
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
