My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize