I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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