i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
