Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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