so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
