Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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