New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
