So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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