I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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