is your mom at the bar?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
