Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
