Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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