they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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