all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
