I think I died a long time ago.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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