I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
