also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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