rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
