Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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