do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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