I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
