Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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