I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
