im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
