I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize