somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
