you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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