Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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