You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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