i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
