you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize