I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
