What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
