Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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