Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
