so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
