You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
True strength comes from lack of pants
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
