Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
