the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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